The Anatomy and Dis-Integration of an Old Belief
I've been aware of the belief of “not good enough” residing within me at various amplifications for many years. From everyday perfectionist habits to important decision making, “I'm not good enough” overrode the truth with or without me realizing it.
It came to my attention for the first time when I was about 23; seeking to find the root cause of some suffering I was experiencing in relationships, I discovered this ingrained feeling of inadequacy. I've since been aware of how this idea influences me including other thoughts and emotions that may grow out of it as well as behaviors. Mindful yoga practice, psychology books, insightful conversations, meditation, conscious relationships, deep mind-body-spirit connection; the list of self care and ways of developing self awareness is a long one for me. While true, deep healing has occurred on many levels of my being over the years and I do experience feeling deeply healed and whole, something is still hanging on somewhere in this pocket of my belief system.
This notion of being not good enough is not unique to me or you if you are relating to this. It is a shared belief among many people and is imbedded in our collective consciousness, a part of our modern western culture. Hence the amount of attention required to uproot it. Even when I've healed so many branches and offshoots of this core issue, trimmed and treated the symptoms, showered it with so much love and attention, cultivated other loving beliefs, there is still a seed that is ready to be unearthed and turned over, to be dis-integrated.
I surprisingly found the deepest visceral root of this old belief within myself a few nights ago while I was chewing the last bite of my dinner. Like many striking, enlightening moments, it came when I wasn't deliberately trying to understand anything. I love these moments; they just happen while I'm in the middle of some mundane task like chewing or cleaning and a wave of gratitude follows as I watch years of practice integrated in a brief moment. I was having that last bite, half seeing the view out the window and mindlessly creating a story about my upcoming day. It was a mental blip of imagining what part of my day would be like and how I could describe it to others after it happened. Just a couple sentence story that took all of ten seconds to create in my head. It included a descriptor of myself I've been identifying with a lot in the last few years: Single. It's capitalized when I think it, as if it's practically my name.
Just as I thought “I'm Single”, I felt a thin netlike sheet of vibration in the core of my body. I felt the network of the vibration as clearly as you feel the shape of your favorite tee shirt on your body or as familiar as the feel of a lover's hand on your back. You might not see the whole form but you can sense and know exactly what it looks like without a doubt. This vibration had a form that reminds me of the architecture of a dragon fly wing or a molted snake skin spread open. It had spread the width of the space between my nipples, rested right in front of my spinal column and ran the length of my spine, narrower in the neck. It was a part of my central nervous system.
I knew instantly that it was “not good enough”; that myth I'd learned, had so many stories based on, had studied so closely. Up until that moment, I'd understood the concept of “not good enough”, felt it's legacy in my emotions, sensations, and actions, and observed it's resonance in other people as well as in our culture. It felt like I finally met this notorious belief in person; like meeting the original imprint, the heirloom seed. From giving healing treatments and many years of dedicated energy-based practices, my senses are very heightened, my self-love and compassion are on board and ready for whenever my subconscious mind-body is willing to let go of something this deep. So as I encountered this vibration at my core, everything was aligned to turn it off in that moment.
It was as if I'd noticed the radio was on in the background playing a discordant station I didn't need to hear anymore and I naturally switched it off the way you turn off the lights to go to bed or turn off the oven when the veggies are done. Just done, turn the power supply off to that, don't need it now. I spontaneously sat up from a slouched position that I'd been eating in and did a slow motion panoramic look around my home. I took it all in and was extremely present and calm. I could literally see more clearly and everything in me felt like it slowed down.
I began to notice how every single movement of my body to carry out a task and every single thought form to make a decision was based on perfectionism, trying to get ahead even if ahead was getting from the dining table to the kitchen. My attention was a split second in the future, grasping for that next task to be complete. It was so incredibly subtle. My perception had to occur in ultra slow motion to pick up how the vibration of “not good enough” was resonating out into my hands and brain, informing everything. Thankfully it hasn't been the only vibration present over the years so my actions and thoughts have had the benefit of high vibrations of love, too, hence my ability to even approach this very hurtful root vibration with awareness and curiosity.
I've been processing this for a few days now and I can say that while this epiphany shined bright light on this vibration and temporarily cut off supplying it with more energy, it is still in the process of dissolving. I am watching it and helping it disintegrate. I took a walk in the woods and made the connection that it's like a decomposing leaf. It needs sun and warmth and time in the earth to fully break down. It can't just fall from the branch and vanish instantly. As I walked, I enveloped the vibration of the old belief in love and visualized it decomposing in rich earth with the warmth of the sun radiating through it. Inside me, I felt the warmth of the sun and unconditional love wrapping around and infusing the anatomy of “not good enough”. I also imagined the water and blood of my body watering it, helping it break down, disintegrate. I feel it happening more now as I write. So tender. And liberating. The tenderness and liberation of growth.